Dogs Know

   I am putting this post on the mental health blog, because I do not mean for it to be argumentative.  It is just something that I want to say about animals and people. And I am not just sharing an opinion, but speaking from years of experience as a person with depression and anxiety, and as a person who aspires to eventually do some pet therapy with my pet guinea pigs.

   A lot of people like to talk about how animals have an extra sense about things, and can sometimes perceive when something is wrong, or when there is a person who means harm.  Well it is true and family dogs save the day all the time, and service dogs defend their dog owners from bothersome encounters very often.

    But I think that healthy people who don't have a deep experience of chronic rejection and emotional pain may not realize that dogs do not know everything, and just because a dog barks at you doesn't mean that you are a bad person.  And telling everyone that this is the case may really hurt people.  Some people already feel like bad people when they aren't, and when some grumpy dog barks at them, that's all it is.  The dog has not discovered the true nature of anyone's character.  And there are mean dogs who attack children in neighborhoods every day.  And who is the bad person in that scenario?  Usually a bad neighbor who didn't give a flip about anyone else's safety, though of course sometimes there are genuine tragedies and accidents.

   Especially in my early years of depression, I found myself feeling a fear of being unliked by dogs many times, and feeling that based on other people's belief that dogs are the ultimate judge of character, and that if a dog growls at me then everyone has the right to conclude that I am really a bad person.  In reality, the dog might just sense my fear... of seeming like a bad person... because I am a good person who is taking a risk by being near an animal in a social situation.
   I am not making a big deal of it, but I have never heard anyone call people out on this whole gleeful suggestion that dogs make the final call on the state of people's hearts.  It is something that healthy people who aren't scared of having their feelings hurt by a dog take for granted, and it is something that no one understands until they have had social status so low that to be merely ignored by someone's dog can be the final proclamation of their guilt and worthlessness.

Hyper Abuse

    Ok everyone, here is the post that everyone has been vigilantly waiting for: a post about vigilance, and maybe even hyper vigilance.  Hyper-vigilance is a type of anxiety problem and a symptom of trauma. A lot of people talk about it in the context of PTSD when something horrible has happened and from then on the people who suffered are constantly on the lookout to protect themselves from anything else like it.  But I want to say that a lot of people are in chronic stress situations that do warrant some kind of unreasonable vigilance, so people's anxiety can be both appropriate and inappropriate at the same time.  I consider myself to have been in situations like this for decades at a time, and I may never really understand why that turned out to be part of my life.  For me, it was the stress of being mentally ill and keeping a retail job where any wrong move or bad word could cost me medical insurance for the rest of my life, and result in homelessness, death, or bankruptcy, and in my mind, cause a subsequent loss of the ultimate privilege of pleasing God with a productive Christian life.  Other people find themselves in situations that I think extract even more of a constant vigilance, such as caring for children with special needs, or caring for children at all in such a dangerous culture and world.  It is wearing on people in ways that I think no one else ever understands, even when other people are living their own lives of hyper-vigilance.  And I think that it can be confusing when there are official mental health symptom labels that by definition suggest that maybe some vigilance isn't justified, though most people assessing those symptoms usually do have some clue about the true suffering. 

   But what I am saying is that people are misunderstood when the unreasonableness of the persecution or the excessive responsibility makes people think that the emotional reaction of total fear or constant alertness is what is unreasonable.  Frankly, church people make this mistake very often, and I also think a lot of mindfulness people who lead meditations where they literally say things like "you have no problems" and "everything is how it is meant to be" are even worse than the bad Christian counselors. But the fact is that you are supposed to be scared when a giant python is squeezing the life out of you or your loved ones, or when a society of thousands gang up on you to take everything you have as soon as you acquire anything, or when an evil government holds your people hostage and grants little moments of relief in exchange for a gradual compromise of everything you believe in.  Some evil warrants sheer terror, and some people are terrorized not just in horrible events but in their everyday lives for years.  People who say that there's nothing to worry about are unworthy of what has been preserved by the monitoring and endurance of depressed people, and many of us have been so burnt by our own brain chemicals that we simply don't have any energy left to feel sorry for the shamefully ignorant people who told us that it was a sin to be anxious.

Help for Future Wounds

I am just telling this little story because I think it is interesting.  I recently bought a roll of gauze at the drug store for a wound on my hand, but then the wound healed and I did not need the gauze.  And when I was straightening up my apartment and found the gauze that I no longer needed, I started thinking that maybe God knows that I am going to have a gash my hand in the future and that is why he arranged for me to have some gauze on hand.  Get it? On hand? But anyway I am saying what if the whole reason I got the gauze was for another injury coming soon.  Like a guaranteed gash on my hand that could happen any day and is part of destiny. It made me feel scared, and then I figured out that I was being a little bit mentally ill and those thoughts were irrational.  I think it is kind of an interesting story, because people do have illogical worrying sometimes, and I think it is good for me to catch myself doing it because a lot of my worrying doesn't seem illogical.

Suicidal Prayer Credit

I think many people will say I am wrong about this and that it is bad theology but I think I am right enough to give people this idea so that they can have the same hope and endurance that has benefitted me.  The idea that I am sharing is simple, which is that if people have lived through any amount of suicidal thinking, it might be a good idea to just pray even a few of the biggest prayers you can think of for everyone you know and for your society because it could be a very special thing that you are still alive, and this might add some power to your prayers.  That is where people say okay no wait a minute you don't earn prayer power through your own efforts but I am not sure everyone really knows how everything works and I think once there have been significant threats to people's survival, and especially a chronic danger or a questioning of whether it is worth it to go on, then that is a clue that people's mere presence and existence is not something to take for granted, and just the effort of a few extra moments of thoughtfulness might be something that God is willing to match a millionfold. Is that so weird?  I am saying that when I have gotten through or am even in the middle of discouragement so bad that I think I can't go on, it takes five seconds to ask God for a million feasts and forgiveness for everyone who has ever lived.  I mean it is times like that when you ask for salvation for all mankind, or for everyone ever to have the relief that you can no longer even imagine.  Do other people not have a hunch that their prayers might be worth a little extra after twenty years of struggling to stay alive?  It actually is hard to do sometimes, because depression so often brings a feeling of being so bad that God would never answer any prayers.  But couldn't the suffering also be proof that something good is at risk, and might that thing be something as simple as one little prayer prayed for everyone at the right time?  I do not think I will ever regret trying to add prayer to my despair.

Seen and Unseen

There is a book called Blindness, by a guy named Saramago, or maybe a movie that I am getting it confused with, but basically the concept is that everyone goes blind except this one lady who can still see and she gets mixed in with all the blind people and is able to help them because of her sight.  I really liked the book and was thinking the other day that some of my experience with mental illness is like being both a blind person and the seeing person in that same scenario.  And it might not be my mental illness as much as it is an Asperger's profile with extreme gifts and extreme deficits.  Basically what happens is that I am a terrible helpless mess a lot of the times, but also a very capable strong person who can save the day for everyone around me.  There are days and times where I lean more in one direction, but mostly I am just a mix of these things every day.  And the effect it has is that I see for myself how disabled people are treated, but I know the cost and intent of that treatment as someone who is also not disabled.  I could probably write a much more thorough essay with examples, but I think that just mentioning it is enough for now.  I think in a way we all have kind of a spy quality to us as humans, and Christ himself said that what you do for the least of these is what you do for him.  So people are all kind of in a Shakespearian Twelfth Night play where people's true identity is eventually revealed and justice happens as people are exposed in their compassion or snobbery.  But I do think that there is some weird way where as a mentally ill person I experience this more than normal, and I see people include me with strength that I have used for other people before, or I see people dismiss me or even abuse me when they do not know what kind of insight I have into their absolute hypocrisy.

Mental Health Certificates

    I would like to share an idea that I think is already happening in some ways, which is for there to be more programs that offer mental health certificates, peer counseling credentials, and other mental health degrees that can be earned by people who have learned about mental health through suffering and survival, such as through a lifetime of managing mental illness symptoms or trying to heal from trauma or grief. I think it is a well known fact that many people who have struggled with almost any kind of emotional pain do find their way into the social work field and medical field as helpers, and one of my therapists from a long time ago said that therapists were often called "wounded healers."  It is true, and maybe no one needs to say it, but I have gotten the impression that there are a lot of mentally ill people out there who take their medicine, sometimes post comments on website discussions, may or may not have a part time job or hobby, but have no real formal recognition of the mental work they have had to do and the conundrums they have had to figure out in order to survive.  I mean just a class, or a few classes, or a year long program that helps them meet other people, could help them end up with a great certificate or degree to feel good about and possibly to help them find another official opportunity to share their life and learning with others who might be just beginning to navigate the challenges of depression and anxiety or other disorders.  Some group outpatient programs might consider offering an education component like that, too, which also incentivizes continuing treatment. It is also an alternative to putting a diagnosis on a resume, which is another thing that people might consider more often. The fact is that patients themselves often do not realize what kind of accomplishment is mixed in with all the days of sleeping late, going places when you don't feel like it, and drinking extra coffee, and a certificate on the wall could really be a reminder that at least some people have some idea of their true success.

Some people get to go to McDonalds after the hospital

   Well everyone, for this post, I am going to share my favorite term that I learned from social work school, which I completed in 2016. The term is "disenfranchised grief." I think that one of the most talked about ideas right now is the idea of "privilege," which has to do with unrightful societal benefits.  That wasn't really the idea that most resonated in my soul, but when I stumbled upon the term "disenfranchised grief" in an article about people who have had to go to jail, I felt that years of thinking had finally found a representation in another context.  The term has also been used in other articles, and I think it was first thought of by someone named Doka in 1989.  It was weird for it to be just a sidebar that I gleaned from reading about other topics, because to me it almost epitomizes what I think is a core struggle for all kinds people, including everyone who is hurt by things like privilege.

   Disenfranchised grief refers to the uncomforted mourning of people who have losses and suffering that the people around them and the rest of the society either do not care about or do not understand.  I think almost everyone can relate, but for some people, it is a defining feature of their whole lives or of certain major experiences.  People with addictions often have loss upon loss and not only have no sympathy, but take a lot of blame for their problems which happened from a spiral that at some point, they had little control to prevent. Legal troubles and going to jail or being in the military and having family life disrupted can be situations that are disenfranchised, or even "anti-franchised," though people in the military are often called heroes and there might be some support that others might not have.

   Really, anyone in any situation can find their pain deemed irrelevant by other people when it is never mentioned in church sermons, or never mentioned in the media, and when personally no friends seem to truly be there for them.

   I think that even with this concept that almost anyone can probably relate to on some level, there are people who seek out those who need consolation, and a lot of people can eventually find someone who cares and understands. I think that is what social work and mental health services are really about, and I remember getting training for a Crisis Line and the leader told us that what counts as a crisis is different for different people.  I mean that is so simple and yet it is so foundational if people really want to show any kind of compassion for anyone else in the world.

   I wanted to share it on my blog early on, because I think even the existence of a term like that reverses some of the damage and offers "franchise" both to all the neglected losses, and to the additional heartbreak of disenfranchised grief itself.

Mental Health Blog Intro

   Well everyone, I am starting a new blog about mental health.  It is crazy to think that this could become the main way I share my ideas and stories about living with mental illness, because I have a lot to say and have had some crazy experiences and some experiences just being crazy. You really aren't supposed to refer to people as crazy, and some would say don't call yourself that either, but I have always been pretty happy to be in that category.

   I remember when I was in elementary school, we had field day each year right before school was out, and the fifth graders always did a certain relay called "the String Man," which involved choosing one person from your team to stand at the end of the field and then everyone took turns running to put oversized crazy clothes on them, like a hat and a tie and a giant coat, and for the finale, a ping pong ball in the mouth. Even though I was a little scared of the ping pong ball requirement, I always wanted to be the String Man, and when I was finally in fifth grade, my dream came true and my group let me be the String Man.  It was an honor to be the crazy person in front of everyone, and I mostly feel the same way about my mental illness now.  Different people have had different experiences with losing their minds, and mental illness is often a path of continual heartbreak and humiliation.  So I do not want to come across in any insensitive way or make light of people's pain.  But I genuinely have always thought mentally ill people were cool and interesting, and I am overjoyed and thankful beyond any capability of expressing it to live almost my whole life with a mind that makes mood rings shoot sparks and that keeps reality from dominating every conversation like I do when I am manic.
  I am a fool and a weirdo, and sometimes an outcast, and sometimes a spectacle, but every day I generate more prayer and ideas, more material for comedy in heaven, more potential friendship for others who suffer, and most importantly, most nobly, and most spiritually... carbon dioxide. Just staying alive is literally a lifetime achievement accomplished every day. Reality is different for mentally ill people, and not just because of delusions.  During a depression, microwaving a bag of popcorn can become a heroic act of strength, and for someone with social anxiety, looking out the window can be a triumph. Our suffering is a mystery to some of the sanest, smartest people there are, and as we endure our hardship while being so often misunderstood, there are opportunities for great wisdom found in mental spaces that most people will never have access to.  Some of those spaces happen to be hell on earth for years at a time, so let's not paint a picture that is too optimistic.  But let's do paint some pictures and eat some good food and keep on going just in case we have a day where we find that we are the people responsible for telling the people who judge us that they are raving lunatics.